Lying and Conscience Development
As a preschooler’s brain develops, the imagination takes an important role, forming the basis for creativity. While much of the creativity is helpful, one of the common side effects is a child’s ability to lie. Children may lie for a variety of reasons. It might be to get out of trouble or to obtain something they want. God has placed a conscience inside each person to help point one’s heart in the right direction. Honesty and integrity are important qualities to teach and foster when a child is young and to continue to develop throughout a child’s life. As children get older they tend to either become more committed to a life of integrity or they become more skillful at dishonesty.
Understanding and developing a sensitivity to ones conscience goes a long way to motivate a child to choose to do the right thing. Lying demonstrates that a child lacks the internal character to withstand temptation. The desire to have another cookie, the fear of getting in trouble, or simply wanting to get more attention by exaggerating a story can tempt a person to resort to dishonesty to accomplish the goal. Teaching and training during the preschool years can contribute to a strong conscience, and building good character will give kids the ability to do what’s right even under pressure.
An Internal Standard
One of the reasons you’ll want to teach the Bible to your kids is because it helps provide a standard of right and wrong. The conscience doesn’t determine right and wrong, but is simply a pointer to do what’s right or to avoid what’s wrong. In order to develop a strong conscience, you’ll want to teach biblical truths and tell Bible stories of people that took a stand for what’s right, even when it was difficult. (Click here to learn more about teaching the Bible in creative ways.) Noah obeyed God even though he had never seen rain and in the face of people who laughed at him. Moses felt inadequate but obeyed God anyway and was able to experience the power of God. Daniel refused to eat the king’s food and continued to obey God and pray, even after the king outlawed prayer. Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and experienced guilt, but then enjoyed the forgiveness of God. Many more stories in God’s word help children understand what it means to do the right thing, make things right, and be honest under pressure.
It’s important to understand preschool development when evaluating what appears to be a lie. You don’t want to treat children’s imagination or magical thinking as dishonesty when instead they need guidance to know how to talk about wishes, desires, and fictional stories. When a preschooler says, “There’s a lion in my basement,” or “The dog told me a story,” it would be better to talk about imagination than to assume it’s deliberate dishonesty. You might say, “Since we really don’t have a lion in our basement, it would be better to say, ‘I wish we had a lion in our basement,’ or ‘Wouldn’t it be crazy if we had a lion in our basement.’ “ Many preschool books contain stories of animals that talk so it’s not surprising that kids would want to imagine the same thing in their own lives. A vivid imagination often needs to be guided by socially appropriate words in order to report the ideas in ways that are truthful. That’s not necessarily lying.
But some children lie and know they are lying and need correction. In that case, a firm approach is important. Clear communication and dialogue helps to clarify that there’s a right and a wrong, an important understanding for good conscience development. One of the goals of discipline is to clarify for children that sin has consequences, that God has created a standard, and then to help kids understand what that means in practical terms for them.
It’s Hard to Confess a Lie
Once you’ve defined lying for a child and clarified that it’s wrong, it’s helpful to have children confess when they’ve been dishonest. One of the hardest things for someone to do is to admit they lied. Many times children want to cover up one lie with another one or somehow refuse to admit a lie. Although there are some times when you may be uncertain about an incident, when it is clear and you catch your child in a lie, it’s helpful to require a confession. When you ask the question, “What did you do wrong?” the answer needs to be “I lied.” If your child refuses to answer the question then sitting in a Break for a bit to think about it may produce the desired results. The Break time often allows God to work in the heart and bring about repentance.
You’ll have plenty of opportunity to teach about lying in real life situations. You can model honesty by giving back the excess change when the cashier makes a mistake, telling your mate the truth even when it reveals your weakness, and explaining to your child that a shot might hurt a bit instead of saying that it won’t hurt at all. Children learn about honesty by watching their parents handle ethical dilemmas or situations where lying would be the easy way out.
Children who lie don’t have the internal character to do what’s right. They take shortcuts instead of doing the hard work necessary to be honest. Surprisingly, one of the ways kids learn to do the right thing is to learn how to work hard. You might want to concentrate on perseverance and thoroughness by giving your child more chores or requiring the completion of a tough task and then offer affirmation for a job well done. It’s helpful then to talk about being strong on the inside, not just on the outside. Inner strength is demonstrated by being honest under pressure.
The apostle Paul made an important statement that describes the work of the conscience in Romans 9:1. He said, “I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit.” A strong and clear conscience helps a person feel good about being honest and provides an integrity that others see. If your child has a weakness in this area, your work to strengthen the conscience will go a long way to develop a lifestyle of honesty both now and for the future.
To learn more about developing the conscience consider the book, Motivate Your Child, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. Chapter 6 deals specifically with lying. It’s entitled Learning to Value Integrity.
Watch Dr Turansky’s Facebook live video: Lying and how to develop Integrity using a Heart-based approach to parenting.
Listen to Dr Turansky’s podcast on 6 Truths About Lying Kids Need to Know.
scott turanskyPosted at 11:09h, 13 November
Here’s a link to a Facebook Live video I created about Lying that has additional solutions that might be helpful. You have to copy and paste this whole link: https://www.facebook.com/116883041645/videos/762012544138127/?__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARDpirSIQqB5bLoeyjd5q-78ycJeh4hRinTbhFDhlem1Bhg9dGsshm83yRz7eYs2MZrMXxr0xBK8g-yIfcTkPwQV9vinrsNMcjg4_alD2oaWMvjgU8-cKaAglcFplm1ATxcBw8ZRS2X0dPZ837Xz7PKaS47mchlxcrI9RVcmgdx97WhFlaBSfDF-aCxLaq7H3tP4EACWprqBVSPyRx3tvwuKVIA8uvS77SLsKvCfYjk135Gl9D_XqCRW3DiKYCZPzmesjfDJDAPEk-3SutcVbtUnfPuANkYcvDDVLS_pjmHRZMYdLlukF2nV9i8oz3xILxq10eeUWlb4P2RujJxI9_CKc1s&__tn__=-R
Suzanne GlenningPosted at 13:22h, 15 November
Very interesting. Honesty is hard work and evidence of internal character development. Thank you for the food for thought and action.
scott turanskyPosted at 16:03h, 16 November
Suzanne, you’re welcome. I do believe that the heart is the key to so many parenting solutions. Thanks for your comment.
Lucretia MaloneyPosted at 10:33h, 16 November
Yes, In this day and age teaching integrity and a strong moral character can be challenging. I appreciate and love how you state use a firm approach, there is right and wrong and God has created a standard. YES! Standards have definitely be lowered in society and we must HOLD steady with God’s words and HIS way.
scott turanskyPosted at 16:04h, 16 November
Thank you for your affirmation Lucretia, I think one of the causes of unrest in our young people today is that lack of a moral standard. Our young people need to have pillars in their hearts to help them deal with all of the movement in life. God’s Word is powerful.
Harvest MillardPosted at 11:19h, 21 November
Do you have directional help for a constant liar who is 16, has RAD (reactive attachment disorder), and is not affected by consequences?
Lisa BPosted at 11:27h, 26 November
A sense of obligation is huge for character development. It’s hard for kids to follow instructions when they are busy doing what they want to do. To stop and do the right thing takes practice!!! My kids integrity has grown from implementing the instruction routine. Honesty is hard for my daughter when she is under pressure,. But the improvement that I see in her is encouraging! We celebrate her success and she is correcting herself when she catches herself in a lie. The video on this topic is so helpful! I will be sharing.