Emotional Kids Need This Life Skill
When the intensity increases and your child loses control it’s important to take a Break. With young children, as young as two or three years old, have them sit in a particular place, a chair, a carpet square, the hallway, or a bottom step. For older children you might send them to the hall or to the parent’s room or to another quiet place.
Of course sending a child to take a Break is often met with resistance, especially when a child is angry. That’s all the more reason why it’s an essential skill to learn. Children must learn to settle down.
Unfortunately, parents often ramp up the intensity with their own emotion when a child gets upset. Anger at kids while justified is rarely wise. This leads to an escalation of words and a power struggle. Yelling isn’t necessary but firmness is. Now the focus is taken off the settling down of a child’s heart and instead is placed on the relational struggle with the parent.
A Break is Not a Time Out
A Break can often be a good step in a correction strategy to force the child to settle down and be ready for a debriefing about the offense. Taking a Break is much better than Time Out. The instructions given are simple and clear. “You need to go take a Break, change your heart, settle down, and come back and see me when you’re ready to talk about this.”
Two differences are important. First, the child knows that the objective in taking a Break is a changed heart, and, second, the child also helps determine the length of time spent in the break place, coming back only when ready for a debriefing. See Parent game changer: training vs correction.
These two differences between Time Out and a Break change the posture of the parent. With Time Out, the parent is the policeman, keeping the child in the chair until the sentence for misbehavior has been served. With a Break, the parent is eagerly waiting for the child to return so that positive family life can continue. Reinforcing disciple vs punishment.
Use the Break for Heart Change
Sometimes a child’s stubbornness or defiance is obvious. In those moments, stop dealing with the issue at hand and talk about the process of how you’re relating. “I can tell you’re upset and it’s not good for us to continue until you settle down. I’d like you to take a Break and come back when you’re ready to continue talking about this.”
Have the child sit in the hall or on the top step or some other boring place. After the child has settled down, then he or she needs to come back to you and talk about the problem.
For Some Kids, This is Quite Difficult
If your child comes back without having a heart change, then send the child back again. One dad told the story of seven-year-old Belinda who was yelling at her brother. “I called her upstairs to talk to me about it and she began yelling at me. I told her that was inappropriate and to take a Break in the hall and settle down.
“About a minute later she came back but was obviously not changed. Her head was tilted down, her posture was slumping and her bottom lip was sticking out. I didn’t even have to talk with her. I just told her what I saw, Belinda, I can tell you’re not ready yet. The way you’re standing and the expression on your face all tell me that you still have a problem in your heart.
“You need to go back until you’re ready to come out with a changed heart.’ This time she stayed away for about twenty minutes and when she returned she was obviously different. In fact, I took her head in my hands and looked deep into her eyes and said, ‘I can see your heart in there. It looks pretty nice right now. It looks like you’re ready to talk about this.’ See how to love your kids when they need correction.
Belinda giggled and then we continued to talk about the problem. I explained to her that she could not yell at her dad. That was disrespectful even if she’s angry. We also talked about the right responses she could have if she was angry with her brother, helping her to control her anger and not vent it.
That dad used a Break to help his daughter settle down and thus maximized the correction process. A Break helps parents address heart issues with children and can become a primary discipline technique.
A Biblical Approach
It actually comes from the Bible in the teaching of discipline in God’s family, the church (Matthew 18, 1 Corinthians 5, and 2 Corinthians 2). The idea is basically this: If you can’t abide by the principles that make this family work, then you can’t enjoy the benefits of family life. The two go hand in hand.
Most children resist the Break, especially at first. After all, not many people naturally want to pull back and settle down when they feel angry. That’s all the more reason to put a Break into practice in your home.
It teaches children important self-discipline strategies for their hearts. Over time they’ll learn that pushing forward is the wrong response and usually leads to something they’ll regret.
If a child refuses to take a Break you have several options depending on the age. With younger children you may physically put them there to help them learn what the Break is all about. With older children you might refuse to move forward in family life with any benefits until the child takes a Break. Kids need to learn that the Break isn’t an elective. It’s a required course.
Not Just For Kids
Of course the Break isn’t just a childhood solution. Many parents would benefit from taking a Break. One mom said, “I feel a lot of intensity and tend to react without thinking. It’s as if my emotions have the ability to bypass my brain. It takes work to understand what’s actually going on.
“I’m learning to slow down and think more about what I’m feeling. I’m making progress and I’m gaining some insight into how I relate to my kids. They’re seeing some changes in me too. I’m becoming less afraid of emotions and more eager to understand them and make the most of them in our family.”
If you’re struggling with emotional intensity in yourself or your children, then every time you see it rising, slow things down, take a Break, and resist the temptation to turn up the heat. That’s the first step toward managing conflict in a healthy way.
Don’t allow conflict to escalate into a battle. Stop the intensity with a Break. It’ll not only help you stay calm but it’ll help your children develop some maturity in dealing with conflict.